A Parent’s Guide to Effective Child Discipline
By Dr. Larry Waldman
UCS PRESS launched in 1987 with the publication of WHO’S RAISING WHOM? Two decades and several printings later – and after sales of over 20,000 books just at Dr. Waldman’s speaking engagements and seminars – the advice given in this remarkable parenting book is as timely today as it was in 1987.
$14.95
This edition is in 6 by 9-inch full trade paperback format. 160 pages. $14.95.
You will find informative details at www.the-relationship-doctor.com.
Three other Dr. Waldman titles will be released later under the UCS PRESS imprint, including:
Coping with your adolescent
How come I love him but can’t live with him?
Blended Families: They’re All Mixed Up
Larry Waldman, Ph.D.
Dr. Waldman is one of the foremost experts on relationships, child, and teen behavior. Always on the cutting edge of what works for parents and marriage partners in their relationships, he tells in simple, easy-to-understand terms why children misbehave, and then, just as simply, tells how to correct those misbehaviors.
Dr. Waldman has counseled thousands of parents and children in his 30-plus years as a psychologist on many levels, including school psychologist, hospital-affiliated counselor, university professor, and in private practice. He has conducted over 100 seminars.
Here are his words of encouragement for you:
“Let me assure you that there is hope. But let me also caution you that good parenting requires learning. Which is what WHO’S RAISING WHOM? is all about. The knowledge and the tools to help you become a more effective parent are within these pages. It is up to you to put to use what you learn.”
Introduction
The biggest responsibility in the life of most adults is the raising of their children. It can be an awesome responsibility; however, despite the importance of child rearing, most people receive little or no training in the process.
It has been suggested that in our society more attention is given to the licensing of teenagers to drive cars than to the ability or inability of persons to effectively raise their children.
If you are biologically capable, you can become a parent.
What greater resource to assure the future does any generation have than its children? But how are we managing this resource?
If this generation of parents cannot raise its children any more effectively than we were raised, we cannot expect the next generation to be more emotionally stable, more rational, or happier.
You need only to look at the rising crime rate, the increased use of drugs, the large number of broken families, and the rapid increase in mental health disorders, to realize that previous generations of parents perhaps could have done a better job of parenting.
With the added stresses placed on families today, the task of parenting, unfortunately, is becoming even more important. Behavior problems are becoming more common in more and more families.
During thirty-four years as a psychologist, I have counseled with thousands of parents, children, and teenagers. There are some messages that are coming in louder and clearer than ever before.
Parents with disobedient, distractible, overactive, moody children typically feel frustrated and angry. Many parents have told me that they feel trapped in a bad situation with no easy exit; everything they have tried in the past has failed.
I’ve had parents tell me that they feel cheated and duped because they were led to believe that parenthood was so wonderful, yet for them it has been so difficult.
Many parents, especially mothers, have told me that they feel like failures as persons because they are not fulfilling their conception of the “good, succorant parent.” In almost ALL cases, parents with difficult children report that they feel they are not in control of their children and are, instead, simply reacting to their children’s behavior. These parents give the impression that they are not really raising their children but, rather, their children are raising them.
This book helps parents examine the question, “Who’s raising whom?”
I have never met a child who knew more about child raising than that child’s parents did. To feel loved and secure, children must be effectively guided and disciplined by their parents. Parents must lead, not simply react.
In short, we must become the best possible managers we can be of our children.
I have served as a special educator of emotionally handicapped children, a child counselor of delinquent youth, a behavior therapist in a hospital program, a professor of special education, a school psychologist, a consultant to a hospital child evaluation center, and a child psychologist in private practice.
Many of the children I have seen have had serious handicapping conditions; many others have been considered minimally disabled or essentially normal.
There is one very important factor that most of these children have in common: The behavior management of them has not been handled very well.
If you ask pediatricians, teachers, child psychologists, or any other group of professionals dealing with children what is the major problem they most often confront, the most common response will be “unsatisfactory management of the child.”
Although WHO’S RAISING WHOM? can benefit any family with children from infancy up to about sixteen years of age, it can especially benefit those families with younger children.
I have found time and again that the methods proposed in this book are often very effective. They really work. Whether parents are married, single, working, or step, the ideas in this book can be very useful.
Importantly, parents do not have to have a child who is out of behavioral control before they read this book. In fact, WHO’S RAISING WHOM? would be most helpful in assisting essentially “normal” families to function even more smoothly.
Many books and articles have been written and programs developed in the effort to aid parents in “getting in touch” with their children or “effectively communicating” with them.
Little has been done, however, on the topic of what parents are supposed to DO in response to their children’s misbehavior; what actions they are to TAKE!
Moreover, few parents have been helped to understand WHY their children continue to do things that are inappropriate or irresponsible.
This book will give parents a concise, comprehensive theory of parenting and discipline which will help them understand why their young children are behaving in certain ways and explain what they should do in response to their children’s misbehavior.
Using behavioral principles of learning and development described in this book, parents will learn how to properly manage their children.
My wife, Nan, and I used these same techniques in raising our sons. We hope they prove as helpful to you as they were for us.
Dr. Larry Waldman
An all-too-common situation
Todd Sampson is six years old. He lives with his father, mother, and ten-year-old sister. Todd presents serious behavior management problems to his family.
He is active and distractible. He frequently gets into things he has been told not to play with and he must be nagged continually to pick up things in his room.
Todd throws at least one temper tantrum per day when he becomes frustrated or does not get his way. He tends to embarrass his parents when out in a restaurant or grocery store by running, touching and demanding things, or whining.
He has few, if any, friends; when interacting with peers, Todd tends to boss, bully, or hurt them.
Todd performs marginally at school, although his teacher feels he has the capability to do better. Todd also is a poor eater, preferring junk foods. He hates going to bed and wets his bed nightly.
Todd’s parents are quite frustrated with him and his behavior.
Mrs. Sampson has talked with Todd’s pediatrician, their clergyman, and Todd’s school teacher. She has been given considerable advice from many people regarding what to do with Todd; she has tried several strategies with Todd but she has not had much success.
She often becomes angry at Todd for his misbehavior and then becomes upset with herself for losing her temper. She finds that she is becoming ashamed of Todd’s behavior and often makes excuses for him.
More and more she arranges her schedule to shop and go places so that she does not have to take Todd with her. She dreads taking any trips with Todd because she knows that ultimately the outing will result in Todd’s misbehavior and her screaming and scolding.
Mrs. Sampson feels unfulfilled as a mother. She had planned on having more children but after Todd thoughts of additional children were quickly abandoned.
Mr. Sampson is just as frustrated with Todd and his behavior. He feels, though, that Todd generally minds him better than he does Mrs. Sampson. He resents the way Todd disobeys, manipulates, and ignores his wife, but cannot help feeling that if his wife was only a little more strict with Todd, things would be different.
He has suggested many times to his wife that she should be more firm with Todd, but she responds that if he would spend more time with the children, perhaps she wouldn’t be having such a hard time with them.
In truth, Mr. Sampson chooses to spend little time with Todd because he is usually so difficult. He often purposely comes home late from work so that the children will already be in bed and he won’t have to interact with them.
Mr. Sampson has become quite tired of hearing his wife complain about Todd; any discussions they have usually come around to Todd, his bad behavior, and the resulting family discomfort. Occasional thoughts of divorce run through Mr. Sampson’s mind.
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